You know that feeling. You want so badly to be unconscious that you would do anything. You would sell your soul if you had to.

What do you do? Do you reach for a pen to sign your life away? Do you search the horizon desperately for an exit?

Do you resist and grow stronger in your resolve? Do you resist and grow weaker?

Do you listen to that calm voice that says this isn’t a moral issue?

Do you even hear that voice? Perhaps you’re so far down the rabbit hole of non-dualism it doesn’t even register. Perhaps you’ve forgotten that dualism does exist on one level, and that a part of you also still exists there and must be addressed even though you are ultimately beyond it.

Perhaps you’re stress-eating because once again you share a room with someone who requires more of you than you can give, even though it’s not their fault or yours, you just thought from your first impressions that you would both be compatible and this was well within your capabilities, not to mention a divine calling on your life?

Perhaps you’re stress-eating cold vegetable soup from the can in your hallway while your roommate is passed out on the couch, and you shouldn’t be wasting this precious quiet time because you’re chronically sleep deprived and your body is still giving out although you need to work more than you did three months ago because you’re paying twice as much for rent now.

Your room-mate is a dog.

You’re paying double rent because you ran away when someone tried to help you.

You ran away because it was all you could do at the time. You ran because their idea of help wasn’t helpful, and that’s no-one’s fault, just a matter of experience, competence and coincidence.

You ran because you’re a horse. You’re stress eating because you’re a horse. Because you’re all or mostly animal DNA; because your body is trying to help you but civilisation has taught you how to use fire blankets and technically expensive chemicals in emergencies, instead of befriending fire from the start.

Later, you find better accommodation for your roommate. Your stress was not making hers any less.

You find better accommodation for yourself. You don’t need to pay any rent, you can work twice as hard and only need to travel half as far. You still eat cold vegetable soup from the can occasionally, but mostly now it’s just beans, which have a calming effect overall on your still over-adrenalised body.

In two years time you will be here. Now. Reading this.

You didn’t do anything wrong.

Regardless of what you or anyone else believes. Wrong is a frequency you can choose to tune in or out of. Sitting in lotus on the spare mattress. Waiting for another room-mate.

Just cold vegetables now, and mostly warmed up. You’re 90% carrots and 50% more done with people’s bullshit. Including your own.

You hardly feel that desperation to be unconscious because you realise it’s a superpower and astral travel is something you can do when you’re not trying.

You’ve discovered peace of mind and you’re waiting for a free dog who you won’t have to train. You still have annoying housemates but you remember, at least once a day, that this is all a big, funking joke of a game….

In the next instant you will be here, now…

returning to your body. Conscious of your energy

Alive in a way words can never measure…